gettingpastgambling.com

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When gambling is a problem, the gambler may lie to their family and friends about the extent of their gambling or the amount of money they have lost. Discovering that money for household expenses is gone or that the family home is at risk is a terrible shock for the non-gambling partner. You may feel angry, hurt and betrayed.

As a person without a problem often you can't understand why the person with the gambling problem doesn't just stop. It is important that you remember that you cannot control their behaviour and you are not to blame. You need to focus away from their behaviour and deal with your own feelings. This will help you see the gambler as someone in crisis and out of control. This will allow you to be supportive and understand your feelings and not apply pressure about their behaviour. While it is important that you support them in their struggle, you should not take the burden on yourself. Saying things like "I can't do this for you, but I will be with you while you do it" can be helpful in these circumstances.

Counselling services - including financial and legal services- are available for you. Even if the gambler is unwilling to admit that they have a problem, family members and friends may wish to seek help on their own. Finding out about your options and strategies can assist you in your decision making.

Warning signs of a possible problem gambler
Here's what you should look for:

The person you care about may have a problem with gambling if they demonstrate five or more of the following characteristics:

Is preoccupied with gambling (eg preoccupied with reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble)

Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement

Has repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back or stop gambling

Is restless or irritable when attempting to stop or cut down gambling

Gambles as a way of escaping problems or of relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression

After losing money gambling, often returns another day to recoup losses

Lies to family members or others to conceal the extent of their involvement with gambling

Has committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft or embezzlement to finance gambling

Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of gambling

Relies on others to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling
(source: Richard Rosenthal, M.D. & Henry Lesieur, Ph.D.)

Some strategies that you might want to try...

Here may be some helpful ideas about how you may like to deal with your situation. These suggestions were provided by Gambling Help Toowoomba and South West.

put your energy into protecting yourself and your children
protect yourself financially, emotionally and physically
it is normal to feel betrayed and angry. Acknowledge your feelings and learn appropriate ways to express them.
be honest
talk to people you trust about your situation
trust yourself
express your feelings
solve your own problems
allow the person to face the consequences of their actions, don't protect them
allow the person to take responsibility for their behaviour
understand that you are not to blame for the problem and that you cannot force the person to stop gambling
encourage the gambler to seek professional help
offer to assist the person with therapy
offer to help them get involved in non-gambling activities
separate the person from the behaviour
communicate assertively and express your concerns
seek professional support
focus on the future
seek legal and financial advice
start living your own life and doing things you enjoy
be clear about your boundaries- make up your mind about what you are and are not willing to accept.

Don't lend money or pay debts.
It may be tempting to lend money to a person with a gambling problem, especially if they seem to be trying hard to pay debts. Most experts strongly advise against this for a number of reasons:
- Lending money to the gambler often maintains gambling behaviour
- The person may gamble the cash instead of paying their bills
- They may be unable to pay you back which may cause you financial hardship
- The person needs to learn to take responsibility for their actions. This won't happen if family and friends keep giving them money.
- Give them emotional support when they are negotiating with creditors or employers but don't offer to do it for them.

Protect your home and assets
Seeing a financial counsellor may provide you with strategies to protect your income and assets. Financial counsellors assess your situation, your income, expenses and your debts, assess your position and inform you of your options.

Depending on your situation, the financial counsellor provides information about your rights and responsibilities regarding credit and loan contracts, fines, bankruptcy, bills, mortgage/rent payments and social security entitlements.

Financial counsellors are experienced in dealing with creditors and can act and negotiate on your behalf with government departments, finance companies and landlords.

The Department of Fair Trading also has advice on dealing with creditors and debt.

Other strategies
Other strategies could be:
- keep a separate bank account and credit cards
- avoid keeping cash at home
- if your partner is cooperative, transfer assets, such as the house and car, into your own name and set up a bank account that requires two signatures.

http://www.responsiblegambling.qld.gov.au/gamble-resp/playing-you/friends-fam/friends-fam.shtml

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Helping someone who is not ready to change their behaviour may be difficult and the decision for them to get help is ultimately theirs. Sometimes we may get so concerned for someone else that we may not look after ourselves. It is important that you keep yourself safe. It may be helpful for you to talk to someone you trust about what is going on and how you feel. This may be a family member, teacher, school counsellor or youth worker.

If you are worried about someone's gambling here are some things that may be helpful:

Talk with them - If you are worried about someone's gambling talking to them may be helpful. You may like to start by telling them what you have seen and how you feel.

Try to avoid being judgmental - If possible try not to be judgmental as it may help them to listen to what you are saying. It is also a good idea to remember that people who need help to manage their gambling may feel ashamed and not want to talk. By letting them know you have an open mind they may be more likely to open up.

Knowing how can help - It may be helpful to suggest they talk to someone like a counsellor about how they can manage their gambling. A counsellor should be able to help them work out a plan for managing their gambling. Check out the help kit for more information about what they do. You may like to offer to go with them to a counsellor for support.

http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=844

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If you suspect that someone you care about is experiencing a problem with gambling you may have noticed a number of signs, including:

Money related signs
Unexplained debt or borrowing
Money disappearing
Assets disappearing
Losing wallets/money regularly
Numerous loans
Missing household items
Phone calls from angry creditors
Missing financial statements
Juggling cash sources to pay bills

Time related signs
No time for everyday activities
Overuse of sick days and days off
Spending longer to study gambling
Taking an unusual amount of time for tasks (e.g. taking two hours to get milk from the corner store)
Disappearing for amounts of time that they cannot account for

Personal Issues
Decreased contact with friends
Loss of interest in hobbies
Family complaints about being emotionally shut out
Avoidance of social events
Moodiness, unexplained anger, depression

Control and/or Manipulation
Secretiveness about activities
Secret bank accounts/loans/credit cards
Secret PO boxes
Manipulation by threat or charm

Guilt & Shame
Problem gamblers often feel guilt and shame about their behaviour because they find it hard to control their gambling and are worried about the trouble their gambling causes.

Some think that if they keep gambling they can fix their problems by winning back their money. For others, the problem seems so big they do not know how to cope with it other than do nothing and hope it goes away.

Such feelings of shame and guilt can lead the individual to hide their problem, and withdraw from family and friends.

Key Points
You cannot force your family member or friend to stop
You are not to blame for their behaviour
The gambling behaviour is the problem, not the person
You can help by saying: NO to gambling and lying, and YES I care about you

You have the right to feel safe, and emotionally and financially secure

If taking action puts your safety or the safety of others at risk you may need professional help


http://www.problemgambling.vic.gov.au/problemgambling/support.asp

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Signs someone you know may have a problem with gambling

There are a variety of signs that may indicate someone you know has a problem with their gambling. The more signs they show, the greater the chance of a problem. Some of these signs include:

* Constantly talking about gambling
* Spending more time or money on gambling than the individual can afford
* Finding it difficult to control, stop, or cut down gambling, or feeling irritable when trying to do so
* Gambling more in order to win back losses or get out of financial trouble
* Thinking that gambling will get under control as soon as there’s a ‘big win’
* Borrowing money, selling things, committing (or considering committing) criminal acts in order to get money for gambling
* Having unexplained money or new possessions
* Having increased debt, unpaid bills, or other financial troubles because of gambling
* Often gambling until all of their money is gone
* Needing to gamble with larger amounts of money or for longer periods of time in order to get the same feeling of excitement
* Experiencing extreme highs from gambling wins and extreme lows from gambling losses
* Gambling to escape personal problems or to relieve feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, or other negative emotions
* Getting irritated more easily or having less patience when dealing with normal, everyday activities
* Feeling guilty about gambling or what happens while gambling
* Getting criticized by others for their gambling
* Having arguments with friends or family about money and gambling
* Refusing to discuss gambling with others or lying to cover it up
* Hiding bills, past due notices, winnings, or losses from others
* Gambling instead of attending family or other social functions
* Neglecting family or household responsibilities because of gambling
* Neglecting work or school because of gambling
* Neglecting personal needs (e.g., for food, sleep, hygiene) because of gambling
* Consistently or always planning holidays where gambling is available
* For those who live with the person who may have a problem with their gambling, another sign may include having money or valuables that mysteriously disappear

Information about treatment centres, help line numbers and Gamblers Anonymous.

Copyright 2008. The Responsible Gambling Council

http://www.responsiblegambling.org/en/help/warning-signssomeone.cfm